November 16, 2010

Making Love

I know that which I resist, I will bring closer to me.  But is that really true?

Many people, -- and if you're reading this and you are one of those people, I truly mean many people, not just you, -- have suggested to me that I give this place a chance.  They have said "You never know.  You may fall in love and end up being very happy in Las Vegas and staying." 

I know you mean well, but when you have fallen in love with the beauty of San Francisco, nothing compares to that.  I know, I go on and on about it, and it may seem incredibly frivolous, but I feel like being here in Vegas is as if I've been banished to my old life before San Francisco.  I can't go back.  I can't settle.  I don't belong here.

And yes it's true, I haven't had love in years.  That's fine with me.  I'm used to being alone.  I'm more concerned with my surroundings rather than what might be within my heart.  Maybe I'm afraid to get hurt again.  Maybe I don't know if my taped-back-together heart can hold someone new.  I just know that I can't imagine someone in this cigarette smoking, non-recycling, plastic loving, junk food consuming, conservative town might be the one.  Unless miraculously, he is as desperate to escape as I am, that is the only way I can see a match.  Everyone here seems to be a lifer.  I'm sorry.  I can't settle.  I need passion and not just passion for me, but passion for our surroundings, passion for health, passion for what is right in the world., passion for life.  I can't settle for someone who settles.  

If you are the one shiny penny here in the muck, then you have to be really great.   You have to pursue me and show me that it's worth it.  I know, men don't do that.  If you don't show interest, they go away.  I've given many tries to guys whodidn't deserve a second look.  And I've been incredibly foolish and passed up some men with hearts of gold.  To those guys: I'm very sorry.  I regret it more than you know.

In the meantime, I'm here, resisting.  Just let me go follow my heart to where I know I can be happy, even if that happiness is alone.  At least it will be true happiness and not feigned.

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