Sometimes I lean back in the chair at this desk, with my arms outstretched, and imagine myself falling through the sky, down down down. Off a ledge, off a bridge, going down the slope of a roller coaster, on the end of a bungee cord or on a zip line or out of a plane. Something, anything, to give me that feeling. Maybe I shouldn't love the thought of it so much, but it makes me feel free. Maybe that's why I love swimming so much, going under and feeling light, or floating on top, looking up at the sky. I'm a free spirit. I like the idea of spinning into oblivion. Like the teacups ride at Disneyland, spinning and spinning, forgetting all of our troubles, tummy tickles and laughing. And yes, that is how I came up with the name for this blog.
Why am I thinking about this right now? Maybe it's because I feel so good. I feel carefree! I see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Just when I was about to give up hope, I was snatched back to life.
I recently got hired by a respected company. After the initial interview, I felt so positive, like I knew everything was going to be fine. I was on cloud nine, smiling, almost dazed.
The other day, I went into Pier 1. Yeah, I know. Pier 1: they are in every city and have been around forever. But I saw things so differently for the first time in such a long time. Everything was full of color and brightness. Of course, that could have been all the sequins and feathers used for the Christmas decorations. Then I walked next door to Barnes & Noble. Again, in every city, around forever. I felt like I had stepped into the future from where I was, but I was actually stepping into present day from the past. I couldn't help but cry a bit. I was so full of hope after seeing nothing but black and white for so long.
I have recently lost just about everything I own. I sold many things just trying to survive. I couldn't afford a moving truck for what I had left, so my friend came and picked me up in a minivan. What I could take, I took. But I left most everything behind. I'm starting over. Again. Maybe that's another reason why I like the idea of falling. If it all ended tomorrow, no more worries, right? Yet, here I am. As long as there is some solution, which there usually is, I will be here. Besides, I have yet to live in Paris. There is no way I'm giving up on that dream!
I'm not afraid to die. I believe life is one step in our existence, that we close our eyes in the physical realm and reopen them in the nonphysical one. After everything, I still love life! I love the lessons. I love the experiences. I love the thrills. I love the hope. I love the rush. I'm here for the ride. I'm falling.... in love with life again.