November 1, 2010


Sometimes I lean back in the chair at this desk, with my arms outstretched, and imagine myself falling through the sky, down down down.  Off a ledge, off a bridge, going down the slope of a roller coaster, on the end of a bungee cord or on a zip line or out of a plane.  Something, anything, to give me that feeling.   Maybe I shouldn't love the thought of it so much, but it makes me feel free.  Maybe that's why I love swimming so much, going under and feeling light, or floating on top, looking up at the sky.  I'm a free spirit.  I like the idea of spinning into oblivion.  Like the teacups ride at Disneyland, spinning and spinning, forgetting all of our troubles, tummy tickles and laughing.  And yes, that is how I came up with the name for this blog.

Why am I thinking about this right now?  Maybe it's because I feel so good.  I feel carefree!  I see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.  Just when I was about to give up hope, I was snatched back to life.

I recently got hired by a respected company.  After the initial interview, I felt so positive, like I knew everything was going to be fine.  I was on cloud nine, smiling, almost dazed.

The other day, I went into Pier 1.  Yeah, I know.  Pier 1: they are in every city and have been around forever.  But I saw things so differently for the first time in such a long time.  Everything was full of color and brightness.  Of course, that could have been all the sequins and feathers used for the Christmas decorations.  Then I walked next door to Barnes &  Noble.  Again, in every city, around forever.   I felt like I had stepped into the future from where I was, but I was actually stepping into present day from the past.  I couldn't help but cry a bit.  I was so full of hope after seeing nothing but black and white for so long.

I have recently lost just about everything I own.  I sold  many things just trying to survive.  I couldn't afford a moving truck for what I had left, so my friend came and picked me up in a minivan.  What I could take, I took.  But I left most everything behind.  I'm starting over.  Again.  Maybe that's another reason why I like the idea of falling.  If it all ended tomorrow, no more worries, right?  Yet, here I am.  As long as there is some solution, which there usually is, I will be here.  Besides, I have yet to live in Paris.  There is no way I'm giving up on that dream!

I'm not afraid to die.  I believe life is one step in our existence, that we close our eyes in the physical realm and reopen them in the nonphysical one.  After everything, I still love life!  I love the lessons.  I love the experiences.  I love the thrills.  I love the hope.  I love the rush.  I'm here for the ride.  I'm falling.... in love with life again.

No comments:

Post a Comment