It really was the hormones. I went to the doctor, and had my annual check-up. I told her I have been a bitch-on-wheels for at least 2 solid months, my period was almost a month late (but I'm not pregnant) , and I just can't take it anymore. She gave me estrogen patches and progesterone pills. 21 days after starting, I felt peace. I'm my old self again. I feel like I've been away and I'm finally home. It feels good to feel good!
I know it must have been startling at minimum to read that I was living a "Hallmark Movie life", then to read that I was feeling I was in cement box. I write from my soul, honestly, about what is happening, what I'm thinking or experiencing. This was all a part of it.
I would get furious when my husband would say it was hormones. But part of me believed him, listening to him, tucked it away as a mental note. My sister-in-law had gone through something similar, and her marriage ended over it. I never forgot that.
I can't even fully convey how different, and "off" was feeling, and how different I feel now. I feel like I was away, and now I'm back! I have the life I've dreamed of. I really do. I'm not sugar-coating it. It's REAL. Friday I turn 50 years old. I guess it's that time of my life.
April 14, 2018
This isn't my normal kind of post. Usually I aim to post ways to think positive, attempting to help others do the same. I have had several hard episodes in my life where positive thinking and sheer hope were the key things that pulled me through. This post is about my current real life, full of raw, honest emotions. Usually I post a tidbit of what I'm going through, or went through, and how I turned it around by finding the silver lining. Sometimes it's more of a glossover, short and sweet. Sometimes it's from an outside perspective. But once in a while, it's this:
Yesterday, I had an appointment for a facial and massage. It was a special: $89 for a 45 minute facial and a 45 minute massage. The massage came first.
When I got there, I was fit to be tied-- I have been feeling like this for a few months now; incredibly "boxed in" and like I'm at a dead-end in life. There is so much that I'm feeling, and it's entirely valid, but I don't feel that it's valid, or better, perceived to be valid. Maybe it's how I think people would perceive what I'm going through. Maybe it's that I cannot even fathom that I'm feeling like this. Why would I feel like this, I have everything I've ever wanted, right? Ugh. I'll go into this a bit later. Back to the massage.
Her name was Fay. I haven't had a massage in months, maybe a year? Fay was kind, yet I immediately felt my defenses go up that screamed "leave me alone". Before she left me to get undressed, she asked if there were any specific areas I wanted to work on. I told her that my hips, and lower back have been painful lately, and that I've been stressed, and I just "need this". (Again, I'm trying to make my feelings valid. Why am I doing that?) . She said "You came to the right place". and left me so I could get settled.
About 5 minutes into it, with my face in the face pillow, I started to silently cry. To have someone paying attention to me, focusing on me, instead of me desperately trying to pull information or conversation or feelings or thoughts from someone else. It just felt good. Very good. As I started to cry, she said that she was also doing reiki on me. That made perfect sense. I have had reiki, but only by someone still training in it, and it was a very different experience then. This time, I felt like my soul was being healed or something. I told her I was crying (releasing), and that it made sense she was doing reiki. She was amazing. Not even half way through, I felt like an entirely different person. Calm. Peaceful. Serene. What we need tends to come into our lives. The Universe brings it to us, puts us in the right path at the right time. The Universe gave me bonus reiki when I thought I was just going to get a massage.
She explained to me her beliefs, which are identical to my own: that we are here to learn something, and if we don't learn whatever lessons we are supposed to learn, we will have to come back again and again. She also explained the chakras to me, and said that two were blocked, one being the root chakra, where the pain I have been feeling is. The other was my throat chakra, which makes sense too: there is a lot I want to say, even to myself, for which I cannot find the words. I feel lost, like an aimless balloon floating through the sky untethered, while at the same time, I feel TOO tethered, like there is no wiggle room, there is no way to do what I want to do. I told her I have been feeling like I'm in a cement box, and energy cannot get in nor out. I used to be great with Law of Attraction and going with the flow and understanding energy, thoughts, feelings, letting go, focusing, etc. Now I feel like I'm stuck in a cement box.
She reminded me that if I say/think I feel like this way, if I believe I feel this way, if I believe that I have no options, no voice, no movement, that that is what the Universe will give me. I say "reminded" because I KNOW THIS. I just needed to be reminded. Now, if I could just get back to actually believing this, I'll be good, but it's hard. Very hard.
I am newly married, 9 months ago tomorrow, as a matter of fact. I have two amazingly gifted, beautiful bonus kids. Since I've been in their lives, I have tried extremely hard to build something. Anything. I feel like I'm making no headway, as if I'm building a bridge on sand, and every piece I add just sinks the ones before it and I have to start over. I just want to be let in. I just want them to want me to be a part of their lives. Instead I feel temporary, or that they see me as temporary, and even unnecessary. My husband feels that we are a family. I feel this way at times, too, but it's waning. They are teens-- did I mention that? Yes, I know, I know, that explains it, pure and simple, one word: teens. But for a woman who has always wanted kids, and has longed for their love, has longed for a family her entire life, it's painful to say the least.
A major issue that does not help is when I try to talk to my husband, about this or many other things, he chalks up my words and mood as hormones. It seems to be the catch-all phrase, and has been for a few months. On the flip-side, I know my tone doesn't help, but when I'm always met with the same response, it's hard to not have a tone.
Those chakras, my blocked chakras: The Root Chakra (trust) and the Throat Chakra (communication). This was an eye-opener. I need to somehow convey to my husband that what I am saying and feeling is real, at least it is for me. It may not be real to him, but it's my reality, and not just hormones. I think that catch-all phrase is the cement box I have found myself in. Sometimes I feel as if I've found myself in a cliche, 1950s scenario of not being heard or understood.
Another trust and communication issue I have is with myself. I am not currently working, but looking for a new job. I'm an "office-worker", a basic whatever who manages offices, manages schedules, manages executives. But I have such dreams and longing for something of my own. I know exactly what that something is. I'd be good at it. A big chunk of my professional and personal background is the exact experience needed for this. I just need to save up the money to get it started. I can't do that without working. In the meantime, I'm trying to find something. And, at the same time, trying to help my husband start his own thing. Once he's off the ground and running, maybe I can do the same for me. Just like a woman: taking care of others first. Is that good or bad? I don't know anymore. I need to remember a very important piece of advice that I have given other women countless times--- I need to put my own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.
I have one more appointment with the massage therapist. She's moving back to the Philippines next month, and I want another session. Maybe even two. Maybe she can recommend another reiki practitioner to me. Fingers crossed.
I'll be back to post updates on everything: the next reiki session, the breakthrough I intend to have in communicating with my husband, and with the teens (not holding my breath on that one), my dream business, and many other items which all seem to be on the front burner these days.
In the meantime, I'm trying to do fun things with my excess free time. Right now it's gardening. It's always been one of my dreams to have a garden. We just have a small, flagstone patio with flower beds around three quarters of it, but it's something. It's mine to design. The goal is to create a pretty outdoor space for our family. Speaking of which, it's time to get outside and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. 👩🏼🌾🌼☀️
p.s. The facial was good too. I mentioned to her that I was looking for a new job, but jobs in the City pay so much more (twice as much) as they do in my neck of the woods. She gave me a solution to the commute issue of going to the City. Again, the Universe gives us what we need, and all I needed here was a different perspective, a new idea that hadn't occurred to me. If I get a job in the City, my dream business will here before I know it! 😄
November 21, 2017
Jealousy. It's that green-eyed monster that we've been warned about from day one. Every time I have felt jealous in life, I’ve learned something about myself. It awakens a desire within me that I didn’t know was there, OR makes me realize that that desire was much more important to me than I had acknowledged. It could be an experience, a talent, something to acquire, a change I want to make in my life, to be something MORE.
If we look at the glass as half-full, being jealous can create a dream. That dream can be made into a goal. We may never have considered doing something, or attaining something, like the person we are jealous of, but now that it's on our radar, we can strive for it, if that is what we want.
Ask yourself why you are jealous. Ask yourself to look within to see what it is that you want for yourself. Then nurture this desire within you into a goal, and work towards it. Once you reach the goal, you'll feel accomplished and proud.
I know it is easier said than done. I’ve been through a lot of heartache in life with my own jealousies. It took me a long time to realize what those jealousies really meant. My biggest jealousies were when I saw a happy couple, or a family. Often times, I felt like I was looking in from the outside, and I was alone, and out in the cold.
If anything, looking in from the outside helped me realize what I truly wanted, and now I have it. I KNEW that what I wanted was to be the one on the INSIDE, and have a family and love of my own.
If somehow we can look at jealousy as a gift, a signal from within ourselves that’s letting us know of something we may want, we will be far ahead in life, and be able to start creating the life of our dreams earlier than others ever do.
November 10, 2017
For the longest time, I wanted to start a new blog, just so I can say all the things that are on my mind. A lot of the things are plans that H (my husband) and I have. But sometimes it's just a point of view I want to share. So, here I am, coming back to my blog, to keep the history of it all and show everyone just how much ones life can change in an instant. If you've read the older posts, either recently or in the past, you'll see that just by my mentioning my husband, things have changed a LOT. I won't leave you in the dark for long. There will be many future posts that tell exactly how my life changed so much. And what an adventure it was! But first, an opinion on love, life, and decisions.
Recently, I was supportive of a friend and "liked" her new blog. It turns out it was about her poly-amorous life. I had NO CLUE this was her life. It was a secret. I've heard of people living poly lives, but never understood it, and I didn't know a lot about it. It turns out there is a lot more to it than just opening the marriage to other partners. I've only known one couple who felt the need to open their marriage. Now I've been reading this blog. I keep telling H about it and he asks "Why are you reading that?" I think it makes him nervous, like I have a fascination for that lifestyle. But it shouldn't worry him. Sadly, in my personal opinion, it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I hope that is not the case, but I simply cannot understand how one can decide to marry, only to decide that you can't give them everything they need, or they can't give you everything you need. Maybe they married young and grew and changed? Maybe they settled, although I doubt it. Maybe they didn't know who they were to begin with. It's no ones fault. It just is. But as I read the words this woman posts almost every day, it's riddled with heartache and angst, I don't know if she can even see it. Sometimes she's in the glow of new love. Other times, she seems sad and lost. Is poly REALLY that mainstream? Maybe I'm too naive, but then again to each their own.
My marriage to H is 100% of what I've always dreamed of. He is the man of my dreams, and satisfies every single part of my being. He feeds my mind, my soul, my desire for family and home. We talk all the time, discussing many many subjects. We spoon all night long, every single night. We take care of each other, we love each other, we do things for each other. We laugh all the time. We have FUN. The kids love being here. It's a very happy home. There isn't any yelling, fighting, chaos, or unhappiness of any kind. The only thing lacking is living our professional dreams, which we are working on and planning, and have true timelines in place to bring our dreams to fruition. We are completely supportive of each other. We are two puzzle pieces, two peas in a pod, a team, a family. I have zero doubt that this is for life.
For instance, Sunday morning, I came downstairs to our happy pup greeting me, classical music playing, cinnamon in the air from H baking cinnamon streusel muffins for breakfast, the house nice and toasty from the first night of the furnace being on. It just makes my heart swell with such gratitude. Maybe we are still in honeymoon phase? I don't think so, though. Since day one of this relationship, it has gotten stronger, deeper, more potent each and every day. We're living a Hallmark Movie. That may be too saccharin, and a silly thought to some, but we are.#sorrynotsorry
I can't imagine H or I asking the other if we can see other people because we need "more". More WHAT? What more could there possibly be than what we already have?? We have everything that we could want or need. We will never take it for granted, and we will never forget what we have. It's far too precious.
July 10, 2014
I love this time of year. Mistletoe, Christmas trees, twinkle lights, hot chocolate, and romance. It's Christmas in July and there are Christmas sales in online stores and Christmas movies on TV. This week, and as the Fourth of July holiday weekend was winding down, I have been able to enjoy some holiday movies. It's a joyful sobfest each time because I love romance and Christmas so much.
I'm getting prepared to start dating soon. I'm joining a popular online dating site and going into it expecting the best. Some may say that this is setting myself up for disappointment, but I'm a big believer in the notion that if you can form it in your mind, you will find it in your life, so that's what I'm doing. I'm putting my best foot forward and saying exactly what I want, letting the world know who I'm looking for. He's smart, funny, romantic, and idealistic. And after this week's Christmas movies, I know I want a man who loves Christmas as much as I do. I'm more spiritual than religious, but I LOVE Christmas. I love the warmth and activities that the holidays bring, along with twinkle lights, Christmas trees and Santa Claus. Maybe this year, Santa will bring me someone to love.