October 14, 2010

Gossamer


Flutter flutter, land, think about it, off to flutter some more.  Sometimes I feel like a butterfly, fluttering about, wondering where I'll land.  I land, think about the next destination and then continue on.

I'm in a desert town and all I can think about is how and when I'll get out.  I think about where I'll go.  I'm open to so many possibilities, I wonder why I'm not open to staying here?  I guess I know this is not where I want to be, but where I'm meant to be for now.  I keep waiting for that all-important thing to happen to me.  That "thing" is the reason I'm here in the first place. 

I think about the hopscotch pattern in my mind: I need this to get that, then I can do this, then I can do that, then I can hopscotch my way to another city.  I'm not usually the kind of person that is always looking for the greener grass.  I always see the good side of life.  I am the kind of person who thinks long and hard before making big decisions and is happy with those choices.  Las Vegas was not a decision, it was a forcible act.  Now I'm willing to make lots of little, temporary choices as long as the path leads back to my city by the bay.  I think about all along the coast up to San Francisco: Redondo Beach, Santa Barbara, Big Sur, Monterery, Carmel.  I even think about Napa or Sonoma.  As long as I'm close to where I want to be, I'll be happy.  Eventually back to my beautiful city. 

Big Sur

Carmel

My big dream has always been to live in Paris.  Sometimes I wonder if this desert town in a pit stop on the way to France, although I can't imagine.  San Francisco is more connected to Europe than this place.  Part of me wants to just chuck it all and go.  Wasn't Henry Miller the one who talked forever about moving to Paris and finally just did it by stowing away on a steamship?  Don't worry, the cats and I aren't going to stow away on a ship to Europe.  That is such a funny thought!  But sometimes I think about the money I need to save to move back to San Francisco and wonder why not take that money and move to France?  Either way, I'll be at a destination of my dreams.  I could get a job teaching English.  I could get my degree at The Sorbonne!  What an amazing idea!



Yet, here I am, fluttering.  One of these mornings, these gossamer wings will take me some place fabulous.


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